Posted on 02/28/2012






There, I said it. When did nipples become a word you didn’t say in polite company? And yeah, I’m gonna use a lot of euphemisms in this column and improper terms, so suck it up.

I was watching The Walking Dead the other day and there was a scene where the husband and the wife were changing clothes. The man stood in front of the camera, pulled his shirt off, while the woman stayed with her back to the camera. And it got me on my damn roll again. Why is that men can run around bare-chested and women can’t?

Don’t get all “because it’s immoral”—that’s bullshit. We create our own morals. So if we say women can run around topless like men can, then guess what, it’s moral.

How about, “Men would love that. Tits everywhere all the time.”
Well, two things here. Women would still wear shirts during the day, just like I wear a shirt every day. But if a man is out working in the yard on Sunday, and wants to take his shirt off, he won’t have the cops come driving by citing him for indecent exposure (although, many times they really should. I mean, what’s more offensive, the lovely curves above or the man boobs below?!!)

(Also please note, I covered his nipples, because IF YOU CANT SHOW A WOMAN’S NIPPLES YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SHOW  A MAN’S!)

Another thing, if we didn’t cover up the breast, and make it this great mystery, guess what? The “big deal out of a woman showing some areola” won’t be a big deal any more. Think about places where women still live topless, like in South American jungles or the African jungles. Women are topless all day, and their “baby feeders” are out. They’re not “sexual objects” they’re there for the proper intent. I don’t see the village men walking around with a constant rigid weiner.

See, we turned boobs into sexual objects, by covering them up. If we’d never done that, seeing a woman’s breast would be a completely normal occurrence and people wouldn’t flip out like the Janet Jackson Super Bowl fiasco.

I mean, think about it, it’s a BREAST—it’s not the apocalypse.  I find it funny how some people will let their under age kids watch a movie with appaling amounts of violence, but you show them a pair of boobs in a movie, and they’re like, “My child’s not watching it—it’s got nudity in it!”

As if nudity was a bad thing, an evil thing, a wicked thing.

Seriously, I think a bunch of horny old men made up all these rules.  How stupid is it that on TV, you can show THE ENTIRE BREAST, but just NOT the nipple or areola? As long as your fingers are covering those parts up, it’s okay. What is so mystical about an areola? Men and women both have them. We both have nipples too.

Is it because a woman has a “breast” and a man has a “chest”? Whatevez. How stupid and inane.

Oh, and don’ t even get me started on bras. What idiot thought those things up? Poor women—the shit you have to go through because people think your bodies are indecent. When they are truly works of art.

(And please don’t come to me and say, “It’s men who make our bodies indecent.”  I reiterate: if you flop them suckers out regularly, they cease to become a sexual object.  I see my wife’s knockers every damn day, and guess what? I don’t get a raging boner every time I see them!)

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