#agentfail = #writerfail

Posted on 04/02/2009


Man. I slogged through many of the agentfail posts today.

Writers are a bunch of bitter asses. Sure there are agents out there who are stuck up jerks, but the writers posting on the agentfail were seriously over the line. Picking on agents who tweet and blog? ARE YOU A COMPLETE DUMB ASS! These agents are TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE WALLS BETWEEN WRITERS AND AGENTS!!!!  I applaud all agents who do this, no matter what they put on their blogs and tweets.

If you don’t like what they write, um…don’t read it…jackass.

What pisses me off the most is this: All the writers bitched a little about the process of querying agents. Sure, it sucks, but people get picked up by agents like this all the time.

Is there some luck involved? Hell yes! But overall it’s because the writer has put something on paper that’s good. I am digressing, let me get back to the point. 

Okay, what do you do for a living? Yeah you, my erudite reader. <Waiting for a reply…tapping fingers on desk> All right. Well, I assume you are somewhat proficient at your job and can do it without thinking too much about the details on a normal basis. Most of us just go through the motions.

Why? Because we can! We’ve been doing job X for 10 years now! So guess what? Most agents have been doing the same thing for years too! What does that mean? It means, an agent can spot something in a query letter that says to them: hey! This might be good! Request partial!  and they also know what does NOT work. Which is most of the pile-of-dookie they get every day. I believe being an agent is just like any other job.  They can spot “genius” or “failure” very quickly when reading queries. (Although I do query agents who take partials BEFORE I query agents who only take queries…seriously.  They need to read my real writing, not just my query writing.)

I also believe that most agents aren’t these high-flying, jet-setting individuals we (writers) make them out to be. They are your Joe Six-Packs and/or the woman on the bus next to you on your way to work.  Agents bust their ASSES to get books published.  Now ask yourself how much you bust your ass on a daily basis? Why would you? It’s just a job, right? Well, for agents, it’s not just a job–it’s a passion.  For them it’s not about the money, but about reading and finding kick ass writers (of which I am one =) who have awesome stories to tell (i do!). 

You think agents are rich? HA! I checked online, the average salary is 50K a year.  I don’t call that rich, and that’s the AVERAGE. There are many making way below that. And you writers are out there chastising these people because you feel slighted?  Shame on you! Seriously! Work on your damn manuscript. Get someone to read your query letter.  It’s not the agent’s fault they don’t like your book, it’s your fault.

Agents are people too. They have feelings, lives, emotions, pain, happiness, cats, ferrets, monkeys, (okay, I will stop now) and all kinds of the same dreary shit that you have in your life. So next time you get a fast, “Not for me.” email from an agent….understand…it REALLY WAS NOT FOR THEM!!  If it was, they would have asked for more!

So stop picking on agents and pick up your pen and polish that story more before sending it out.  As an unagented writer I am in the same boat as you, but by God, I am going to spit-shine my manuscript and query before sending them out. Is your query letter done? Does it look good? It does?! Bullshit. Go work on it and get back to me.

Now, off the soapbox.